Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! And to all a good night… or something, right? This is the inaugural “Drunken Rant” post by me. I thought to myself, “Self, what better way to start out drunken rants than on the night that everyone forces you to drink disgustingness and cheer you on.” So, here I am, ranting about whatever the fuck I want because my birthday ended 6 minutes ago and counting.

Hold on, some girl is trying to fight me through texts… I told her that tattoos don’t make up for a vagina. She said, that they do and she can beat me up, and I responded with:

But you’re kind of a girl, so I think I win by Man default, right? Isn’t that in the Bible?

Check and mate sir.

Anyways, now that I’ve handled that shit, I can rant about whatever the fuck else I want to. First of all, I’ll explain my day and night, since I’m stoked on them even though they were spent in this god forsaken town of Santa Clarita and in Satan’s Bar & Grill (see older posts). First of all, I knew I wasn’t getting much present-wise because friends don’t really give friends presents by Man Law and my parents are helping me buy a new computer in a week, since my old one basically burned to the ground the morning I moved out of my old house. So, I opened a box of chocolate covered almonds, which is an inside joke with my mom, and a set of pots and pans…. wooo! haha. Again though, I wasn’t expecting anything since we’re dropping a ton of money in about 3 days on a new computer setup. The Hess clan then went to a mexican restaurant, where we all ordered margaritas, and I determined mine to be inadequate, so I asked for a double shot of tequila to add to it. That was a first in front of the parents. We ate so-so mexican food and my dad and I went to his favorite dessert place, Baskin Robbins, and got some ice cream. It was honestly a cool family night that is super rare for me.

Here is my honest opinion, Santa Clarita sucks so many balls that it should break the suck/balls continuum. But, some good friends came out tonight on a Monday and it actually wasn’t all that bad. We got home and my buddy Sean picked me up to go to “the restaurant we shall not speak of” and meet up with some friends. Sean, honest to God, was drinking waters and ordered me a Three Wise Men. (Sidenote: I literally just typed “Drinksmixer: 3 Amigo’s” into Google and it found Three Wise Men somehow. It’s like it reads your flippin mind!) I don’t think he gets the whole concept of buying shots for someone’s birthday. You have to take the shots with them, you just cycle who takes each one. I ended up drinking enough to feel good about the drinking prowess of a 132 lb person amongst much larger people and we all took off. That was my night.

Rant: I saw 8 dudes hitting on one girl at the bar at the same time. Do they just not understand why the idea of that doesn’t work? She wasn’t even that pretty either. But, having 8 people hitting on anyone makes them feel like a 10. Believe it or not, none of the guys did so much as get her number! Surprise!

Rant: Thanks to everyone who hit me up today to say Happy Birthday or some form of those words mixed in with asshole, shit-head, or some other kind terminology. It was cool to get such a big group of messages considering I forget everyone’s names, let alone birthdays. You kids are alright, and you’re all gay or something (gotta keep this kosher). Peace out and thanks for the best day that I’ve probably had in this B.S. town. It’s 33 minutes past my birthday, done.

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Filed under: None by Cory